I Wish I'd Written This

Bo vs. Carrie: Hold Your Nose, Not Your Breath

By Lisa de Moraes
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
Washington Post

W e Watch So You Don't Have To:

The played-out genetic strain of Duane Allman and the lost descendant of Patsy Cline squared off last night for the penultimate broadcast of the scandal-rich but talent-scarce fourth edition of "American Idol."

Finalists Bo Bice and Carrie Underwood hit the stage of the Kodak Theatre in Hollywood for the last competitive round of the Fox ratings behemoth.

Between them, they couldn't hit a note to save their lives. Bo sounded like a truck in first gear and Carrie sounded like a bad set of brakes.

Each competitor got to sing three songs.

First, one picked by the producers. Then, one of their choosing. I don't even remember what the last song choice was all about.

It didn't matter anyway, because by then the three judges -- Randy Jackson, Paula Abdul and Simon Cowell -- had given up trying to give pointers to the sources of the painful noises coming from the stage and had become hellbent on fueling the "American Idol" machine in the face of the disaster.

"This is the best season ever!" gushed Randy as the last shattered note hung in the air.

"I'm so happy . . . country girl and southern rocker up there -- wow, this is big!"

Simon thanked America for actually listening to him this season, as though he was really pleased with what he'd heard last night.

Paula momentarily forgot she's under "investigation" by Fox for allegedly making a move on a former "Idol" contestant, and jumped Simon and tried to kiss him on the lips.

Simon, not to have his preening interrupted, pushed her away, and hard.

Like two cans of Coke -- brown sugar water supported by a giant marketing and distribution scheme -- the two talent impersonators were never more in need of the "Idol" hype factory to make them seem like the Real Thing.

By the end of the broadcast, Bo was winking and pointing at people in the audience like he had some kind of nervous tic.

Carrie was still coming on dumb-as-a-post. If there is a god in heaven, she will not win tonight, though, of course, that would mean Bo will.

And if he's an American idol, I'm the queen of Freedonia.

And How About This? (Just In) A**hole.

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